Author: Levi Stahl

Julio Franco just keeps getting better!

Yesterday or the day before, Andy Van Slyke, well-known for running his mouth*, accused Julio Franco of using steroids, saying, basically: Look at him–he’s like a hundred years old and still playing. He’s got to be on the juice.

To which Franco replied, “I am on the juice. The juice of Jesus of Nazareth.” What the hell he means, I have no idea, but I’ll go with it. Franco is now the first baseman on my team of entertaining goofballs. Let’s see: Doug Glanville in center, Julio Franco at first, Joaquin Andujar on the mound, Jim Bouton in the pen.

I guess my team still has some roster spots to fill. Suggestions?

*It’s amazing how much of the “Barry Bonds is an asshole teammate” line comes from Van Slyke and Jeff Kent, who, by all appearances, are assholes.

Today’s best baseball moment:
Julio Franco talked about filling out a questionnaire for some media thing. When he got to the question, “What’s something no one knows about you?” he wrote, “My age.”

Other things I like about Julio Franco: his goofy batting stance and his goofy career path. He didn’t play in the majors in 1998. In 1999 he had 1 at-bat. He struck out. Then in 2000 he went to the Mexican League and hit something like .475. In the three years since then, he’s had 699 at-bats with respectable numbers. And he’s so old he makes Benito Santiago look, well, if not young, then at least less like the living dead.

Re: the long version of “Feels So Good”

I haven’t looked at the daily distances yet, but I know the trip is approximately twelve days.

That’s not nearly enough time for the long version.

PS Do you think Chuck Mangione wants to join us for a game? He’s from Rochester, so maybe he’d want to meet up in Toronto.

I may have a new favorite

I may have a new favorite non-Cardinal player.

Last night, we had a couple of people over to watch the opener between the Red Sox and the Orioles. We settled in, started the TiVo, and the first image of the season caused everyone to gasp in sheer, unadulterated awe. Johnny Damon, over the winter, turned into a god. He grew out his already shaggy hair so that it hangs over his shoulders, trailing out of his batting helmet or cap. And he grew a beard. It was hard to concentrate on what he was doing during his first at-bat, because all anyone in the room could look at or think about was all that hair. Then, on his first play in the outfield, he was coming in for a ball, not too fast, and it looked like there was no hope of his cap falling off. Everyone was disappointed. Then, like a silent prayer being answered, the cap popped off his head and his glossy locks floated free. There was much cheering in the Rocketship.

I apologize for not having a link to a photo. I haven’t seen one today, which just tells me, once again, that the majority of sportswriters have been doing their jobs so long that they no longer really love sports. Otherwise, today’s headlines would be along the lines of: Damon’s Hair, Beard Open a Glorious Season.

You know it’s going to be a great year now.

P.S. While looking up links for this post, I discovered that the Baltimore Orioles own neither www.baltimoreorioles.com or www.orioles.com. The latter hosts a site for the United States Beer Drinking Team, with a link for Beer Radio.

Oh, sovaldi sale and to explain the previous post: I had just been talking with someone here at the office about steroids and baseball and how the image of steroid abuse would be hanging over the whole season. So I wrote a post that was kind of continuing that conversation, the problem being that no one reading the post had been privy to the conversation.

Anyway, I promise this is my last word on the issue, unless Rabbi Klein is found to have been taking steroids during the heyday of the Diamond Kings.

30 days until Opening Day!

First off: I don’t much care about the steroids question, in part because we won’t ever know the truth. I do think maybe it’s time for the union to just give it up and offer a real testing plan. Not that I think they _ought_ to, or should feel ethically obligated to. I just think maybe they should consider it just to get all the chattering sportswriters and their disappointed eight-year-old souls to shut up.

One last thing for today, which I think I can promise on both of our behalfs: Jim and I will not be taking steroids before our trip, despite all the shady characters we will probably be associating with.

Well, in this age when people don’t have to take responsibility for their predictions, I guess Sports Illustrated will be okay despite clearly picking wrong in the National League Central.

I was going to post my picks this week, but I’ve been too busy with work and with hours on the phone trying to alter the car reservation Jim made. There is no reason to get a Taurus when we could get a purple Lamborghini.

My wife is great.

One piece of evidence is in a comment to the previous post, but in case you’re not in the habit of trolling through the comments, I thought I’d run it as a regular post, just so you don’t miss it.

It’s what I hope to see on Opening Day.

Original comments:

Luke, hanger-on: Given that he’s the most devout Christian in baseball, the look would make sense. How Would Jesus Groom?

Who else?

Bad:
As a lover of symmetry, I had hoped that Johnny Damon, having been the first batter of the season, would oblige me by being the last batter of the season. It is purely incidental that such a result would also have only been possible due to the Cardinals winning the World Series. Sadly, Johnny wasn’t interested in symmetry.

Good:

This. And Damon had one of his best seasons, which might encourage other players to go all shaggy. Who wouldn’t love to see Albert Pujols with a Damon look?

Original comments…

Toby: This is totally off the subject, but Levi, you might be interested to know that a kid from your hometown, Steven Smith, has just signed to play with Kansas University, where one of his teammates will be A. J. Van Slyke, the son of former Cardinal Andy Van Slyke.

As a Pirate fan, I sure do wish Francisco Cabrerra would have hit that ball to center field in 1992. If so, Van Slyke’s throw to the plate would have been on the money, unlike the 7-time MVP’s. Mike “Spanky” LaValliere made a superb catch and dive–all in one motion–just to make that play close.

stacey: http://therocketship.com/baseball/images/bearded_albert.jpg