Swingin’ Simon

While the Cardinals were busy losing, again and again and again, to the Pittsburgh Pirates this week, I was thinking about Pirates first baseman Randall Simon.

Who doesn’t love Randall Simon? Well, a certain sausage in Milwaukee might not. And those of us who prefer our hitters to be patient and hit for power, especially if they’re manning first base, well, we might have our quibbles with him once in a while, too.

But is there any baseball fan who doesn’t love watching him hit? There are hundreds of impatient hitters. Rey Ordonez approaches his at-bats as if he’s Cinderella at thirty seconds to midnight. Corey Patterson, until recent weeks, swung at bad pitches as if he were the pitcher’s therapist and wanted him to feel good about himself. But no one I’ve ever seen combines a burning desire to hit every single pitch with an incomprehensible ability to hit just about every single pitch.

Sure, a lot of the balls he hits get fouled off. Or popped up. And he’s never hit for real power. But that takes nothing away from my marveling at his sheer ability to introduce bat to ball. Shoetops, helmet-high, inside, outside, in the dirt. It’s never mattered much to Simon. He’s a superhero of hacking.

And he’s chubby. Even rotund.

Though Simon’s career on-base percentage of .328 is abysmal, his .297 batting average has enabled him to keep a major league job for seven years. But I worry that the end is near: It’s only 100 at-bats, but Simon’s line this year is .210/.292/.280 is bad. He’s not striking out much more than usual, with 10, but he’s also not hitting for any power at all, with only 4 doubles and 1 home run. If he doesn’t come back strong in the second half, even the lowly Pirates (see the first sentence of this post) might let him go.

Who knows what the problem is? Maybe his bat speed is slowing just enough, though you would expect that to be reflected in increased strikeouts. Maybe he’s been unlucky.

But I have a new pet theory. Remember in the spring of 1998, when New Sammy burst on the scene, no longer flailing at curveballs in the dirt? Maybe Simon’s the Bizarro Sammy: he’s more than doubled his walk rate, from a career rate of one walk per 23.5 at-bats to this year’s rate of one every 11 at-bats. Maybe that’s the problem: he’s being too selective. That goes counter to everything I understand about hitting, but we’re talking about Randall Simon. Anything’s possible.

So my advice is to hack away, Randall. I think you shouldn’t take another pitch this season. Not a one.

If my advice works, Pirates fans can thank me later by beating the Cardinals’ rivals down the stretch.

Original comments…

Steve: You’re a regular Charlie Lau or whatever the hell that guy’s name is.

Toby: Ahh yes, thank you, Levi, for highlighting another in a long string of Pirate first baseman who really suck. I can trace it all the way back to the early 80s and Jason Thompson, who replaced “Pops” Stargell. Yes, I know Willie wasn’t really a first baseman–he played there late in his career, but still, he was the last good first baseman they had.

I liked Sid Bream when he played there, but then he went to Atlanta and then in that game 7 in 1992, he slid home with the winning run… So, now I pretty much hate him.

Man, I’ve been on vacation all week and must have built up some real anger. Sorry about that.

Here’s something you don’t see every century

Yes, I know I claimed I wasn’t going to post any more Devil Rays updates until they put another long winning streak together, but Maura practically ordered me to post this…

At one point this season, the Rays were 18 games under .500. Now they’re 1 game over .500.

As of Friday night, they became the first team to claw their way back up to .500 after being 18 under since the 1899 Louisville Colonels.

Original comments…

maura: this run has also inspired some excellent google searches.

Jim: No wonder the Rays are doing so well; Lou Piniella seems to have gone insane. A potential bikini wax is supposed to motivate the team? And between him and Tony La Russa, that’s too many people from Tampa that I’ve been forced to picture nude recently (yes, I know La Russa wasn’t the naked one in the Steve Kline incident, but that’s still a little too close for comfort). The only people from Tampa who I want to think about being naked are Alesha Oreskovich (Playboy’s Miss June 1993) and both Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Laura Harring’s characters in “The Punisher.” I don’t even enjoy picturing myself nude.

Jason: If you check the 2nd link from Maura’s google search, you might find some pics of me floating around there.

Jim: Jason’s secret other life revealed!

Nineteen!

All right, last Devil Rays update for now, at least until their new winning streak reaches double digits.

I always enjoy how two teams can play completely different games on consecutive days: 2-1 in 10 innings on Wednesday, and then 19-13 on Thursday. So I hope we see examples of both types on our trip.

Original comments…

Jason: Tampa Bay pitcher Dewon Brazelton had a no-hitter going until the 8th in the Devil Rays’ 2-0 win over Florida. It’s their 12th straight interleague win.

Maybe they should trade places with the Marlins.

"That strike zone [stunk]"

The Cardinals and Cubs played a wild game in St. Louis last night, a game which the Cardinals won 10-9, scoring the winning run on a passed ball by catcher Paul Bako, who entered the game in the 9th after starting catcher Michael Barrett and relief pitcher Kent Mercker were thrown out for arguing about the poorly-called strike zone. Midway through that inning, when Mercker didn’t get the call on what should clearly have been an inning-ending third strike to Reggie Sanders, I had thought to myself, “Mercker’s going to get thrown out at the end of this inning.” Lo and behold, Mercker got thumbed after he shouted “Fuck you!” while striding off the mound, followed immediately by Barrett’s shouting, “That’s bullshit!” as he threw down his mask, then repeating it for emphasis as he threw down his glove. The second thumb flew.

They were right. Umpire Sam Holbrook’s strike zone was bullshit. More than any game I can remember since the days of Eric Gregg, the umpire made this game what it was. His strike zone managed to be both tiny and inconsistent. Fortunately, the Cardinals got the best of it.

But there was much, much more to the game than that:

1) The Cubs made three errors. I like to think that is karmic payback for Chip Carey’s constant harping on the Cubs low error totals, which leads him to say “The Cubs’ defense is far and away the best in the league.” And a fantastic play by Scott Rolen to open the ninth was further payback for Chip’s statement Monday that “Sure, Rolen may be slightly outhitting Aramis Ramirez, but Ramirez is having the better year defensively, with X errors to Rolen’s Y errors.” Ramirez has played surprisingly strong defense this year, but the difference between him and Rolen is still like the difference between a speech by Bush and a speech by Clinton.

2) The St. Louis Post-Dispatch has a story today about something I didn’t catch, though apparently it was shown on the broadcast. Steve Kline warmed up in the 6th, but when he wasn’t summoned to pitch, he flipped the bird at Tony LaRussa. According to the story, when informed of this post-game, LaRussa got steamed and broke off the press conference, saying “Give me two minutes and I’ll be standing on top of his chest kicking the (bleep) out of him.”

We all have a pretty good idea what LaRussa said that is being bleeped. But what about what Kline said later: “If he doesn’t want me to get mad, then don’t (lead me on).”

I don’t know (Toby, Scott, Baggarly, Dan: care to weigh in?) exactly what the policies at most papers are on when and how to elide or replace swear words in quotes, but I’ve always enjoyed reading the results. The one rule I’ve always wished would be followed in those situations, though, is this: the person reading, if a mentally competent adult, ought to be able to read the sentence and,without missing a beat, replace the replacement with the original swear word. Kline’s statement doesn’t allow for that. “(lead me on)”? What, I wondered, could everyone’s favorite nasty-hatted nutcase have said?

Fortunately for readers of BRPA2004, the folks at Redbird Nation–though they don’t give a source for their information–have the answer. And it’s a good one. According to them, Steve Kline said: “If he doesn’t want me to get mad, then don’t dry hump me.”

But who cares about a little clubhouse strife after a win like that?

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of newspapers printing swear words, you all might enjoy this article from the Guardian. Not only is it full of swear words, abuse (personal and general), and absurdity, it also includes accusations of Nazism!

Original comments…

Luke: Everything I know about this game I learned from the ESPN running game update, so I didn’t catch all the machinations, but I hope dusty sits Barrett and Bako down and reminds them how important it is for them to stay in the game when there are only two catchers on the roster. In this case, maybe Barrett catches that pass ball, and maybe Hollandsworth is available to bring his .600 pinch-hitting average to the catcher’s spot with two out in the ninth.

2. Similar words — “If you don’t want me to get mad, then don’t dry hump me.” — came up in my last performance review, too.

Sports departments I think do the most — and the most creative — ellisions, because of the foul-mouthed nature of their sources and because sports enjoys the least oversight from the style and policy czars at a given paper. You’ll often see things like “He (upset me)” instead of “He pissed me off,” “that (jerk)” instead of “that asshole” or “(Selig)” instead of “lying motherfucker.”

Levi: I’m sorry, Luke. I should have included you in my list of journalists who might answer my question. I am astonished at how many journalists we have as readers. What are we, Romanesko?

Jim: Why can’t the St. Louis Post-Dispatch be more like the Guardian? “Mr Kline’s mention of dry humping last night is not the first time he has shown an interest in simulated sexual activity.”

But I bet the Guardian doesn’t have Weatherbird!

Steve: Where to start deconstructing these outbursts…. Sounds like someone is wearing his stirrups a little too tight. The implication of Kline’s remarks is that if Tony LaRussa had indeed humped him, he wouldn’t have been angry. Apparently, getting into the game involves a full on “wet” hump. And who has the blue-balls Kline or LaRussa? These men are bringing new resonance to the term “fantasy baseball.” Apologies to those would rather see something along the lines of [sexual-frustration] instead of the more colorful term. This also reminds me of an incident last year over in the NFL where Lions GM Matt Millen called former Lion receiver Johnnie Morton a “faggot.” The only difference is that I saw the derogatory remark printed in more than a few places.

Levi: The last bit of the Post-Dispatch article is also great. Kline, asked about the confrontation–which, remember, took place in the shower, so you have to picture LaRussa in uniform, Kline nude save for his nasty hat–said, “He yelled at me like he usually does. Hopefully, he’ll get over it in about three weeks and we can move on.”

Levi: Last thought on this topic. I think.

Is this not easily the best naked man/not naked man confrontation we’ve heard about since Dale “The Demon” Torborg chased Antonio “El Pulpo” Alfonseca down a hallway and into a broom closet?

Toby: Levi, Sorry, I’ve been out of the loop for a couple of days.

I was watching the Midwest Sports Report live after that game Thursday night and heard LaRussa’s comments live on the air. Fox Sports Midwest suddenly cut back to the anchors after he said “shit” and the anchorwoman–with a giant grin on her face–apologized to the viewers.

As far as our little town paper, I don’t know if we have a policy for disguising curse words – I would say it would probably be right along the line of what the Post-Dispatch did, though,

That article from the Guardian reminded me of a recent column on espn.com that got Hunter S. Thompson in some trouble. He wrote something to the effect that the prison abuse by American captors in Iraq was worse than anything the Nazis did. As you might expect, that didn’t go over very well with many people.

The reason I bring that story up is that I have been desperately searching for a DVD copy of “Where the Buffalo Roam,” the movie where Bill Murray portrays HST. I have been watching it on my 20-year-old VHS copy, but would like to get it on DVD. The problem is it is out of print and goes for around $40 or $50 on ebay. I don’t remember you ever mentioning it, but I would peg you as being a Hunter S. Thompson fan, Levi, so I thought you might have some insight on where I can get a DVD copy without having to pay $40 or $50.

Levi: Toby– I don’t know where you can get that DVD, but I’ll do some looking around and see if I can figure out. I do remember once seeing part of Where the Buffalo Roam on TV, not knowing it as about HST, and being really confused until I figured it out. Bill Murray really was born to play that role.

Oh, and one last note on dry humping: as some of you know, someone some of us know (That part of the sentence was a lot of fun to write!) introduced us to a term her set in high school used to use for dry humping. They called it “Doing simulation.” After a date, a girl would ask another, “Did you do simulation?”

The Post-Dispatch could have gone with, “If he doesn’t want me to get mad, then don’t [do simulation].”

Luke: Puts Kerry Wood’s [simulated] games in a whole new light.

The big letdown

So much for the Devil Rays’ win streak. If there’s any consolation, it’s that they didn’t go out quietly, since it took the Blue Jays 10 innings to win tonight’s game.

Tomorrow, the new streak starts!

Original comments…

thatbob: Well, no. Technically the new streak started the night of the loss. Perhaps tomorrow (ie. today) the streak will continue, 2L?

Jim: No, I meant that a new winning streak would start tomorrow. And it did!

thatbob: Oh.

Eleven!

The Devil Rays have now set the MLB record for longest win streak of the 2004 season. Too bad they have to play an AL team on Tuesday.

Original comments…

maura: yeah, but it’s the blue jays. who are without both vernon wells and carlos delgado.

i have faith. i mean, sheesh, mark hendrickson got out of that bases-loaded jam today, and i thought he was TOTALLY SCREWED at that point.

maura: not to mention: rocco baldelli WALKED today. when does he ever do that?!?

(rocco, if you find this via google, i still adore you! and your bobblehead is right next to my powerbook)

Levi: You know, when they were talking about moving the Diamondbacks to the AL a few years ago, maybe they were talking about the wrong team moving. I haven’t looked at the standings today, but I bet a 70-0 record would lead any National League division.

Steve: Eleven in a row is pretty awesome. But I would think that after 11 straight wins less than 1/2 way through the season the team would be a little better than 10 games out. Wasn’t Lou Pinella going around Tampa during the off-season touting how well the D-Rays were going to do. I heard something about how in the course of a week in front of three different audiences he said they would, “not finish last,” “finish third,” “challenge for a playoff spot” Paraphrasing of course…..

Levi: Also, I would think that after five seasons of finishing in last place, with almost no signs of progress, D-Rays GM Chuck LaMar would have been fired six or seven times.

maura: if they were in the al west, or al central, or nl east, they’d be less than five games out. the yankees (sigh) are running away with the al east, and boston, who the rays are now six games behind, has a better record than both those division’s leaders (and the nl east’s phillies, too)

thatbob: Gee! If I were in the al west, or al central, or nl east, maybe I’d be less than five games out, too! Gives a boy a chance to dream…

maura: 😛

Ten!

People in the Tampa Bay area are so shocked by the Devil Rays’ winning streak, they’re hitting the wrong pedal even more often than usual!

Oh, yeah, Levi wanted me to write about the Cardinals, didn’t he? Well, they’re only 8-2 in their last 10 games. And they may have only four losses in the month of June, but the Rays only have three losses this month. I repeat, they’re making people want to pick up their baggage at the Tampa airport really fast so they can get home to watch the games on PAX 66!

Nine!

Maybe the Devil Rays suddenly realized that the possibility exists for them to win the World Series in the same year that their hockey counterparts, the Lightning, won the Stanley Cup.

Or maybe the thought process is, “Well, we’re never going to see these NL West teams again, because we’ll probably be contracted out of existence before they come around again in the interleague rotation, so let’s make the most of it.”

I have no desire to be the biggest jerk in the park

If we’re going to go after foul balls on the trip, we’d better make sure there aren’t any kids in the way, unless we know for a fact that the kid has a lifelong dream of being on “Good Morning America.” Personally, I’ve always preferred the “Today” show.

Original comments…

Steve: Whatever…It’s not like the kid even got trampled. Who among us hasn’t pushed a four year old out of the way. They often show up at the most inopportune places. At least its nice to see that baseball is falling all over itself to make amends. For what I don’t know but it’s pretty clear that the media in this country is dying for some “feel-good” stores. Well, off to rescue some puppies and kittens.

Eric: Let’s not idealize 4-year-olds. A lot of 4-year-olds are selfish little jerks. A 4-year-old’s mom tried to take my seat on an airplane, as the stewardess explained, “because they want to sit together.” “Tough shit!” I told the stewardess. “I want to have sex with Jennifer Connelly, so I guess that makes two of us aren’t going to get what we want.” I mean, come on. A 4-year-old can’t sit quietly on his own for a two-hour flight? They have to push me out of my comfortable, front-of-the-plane aisle seat into a middle seat at the back of the plane? What bullshit. Being 4 years old is no excuse for anything.

They didn’t even ask if I would voluntarily give up my seat. The stewardess just put them there and told me I had to move. United, man. “Fly the airline where all the employees hate you.”

Luke: If a foul ball comes our way at Busch, feel free to trample all over me, if it might send some swag our way.

Dr. Octopus: I push 4-year-olds out of the way all the time! Even when I’m not at the ballpark! And with all my tentacles, I can push down numerous 4-year-olds simultaneously! Ha ha ha ha!